What I said on Twitter today, November 19, 2009

• JoeyWessels: I am on a complete and total geek high right now. It feels good. Real good. #fb
  JoeyWessels: I am on a complete and total geek high right now. It feels good. Real good. #fb
• JoeyWessels: I think I am officially feeling cold inside of a building for the first time this season. And that makes me feel unhappy (and cold). #fb
  JoeyWessels: I think I am officially feeling cold inside of a building for the first time this season. And that makes me feel unhappy (and cold). #fb
• JoeyWessels: @stevewessels I would pick Graeter’s in a two-way between them and UDF. But Aglamesis (off Oakley Square) takes the prize in a 3-way, easy.
  JoeyWessels: @stevewessels I would pick Graeter’s in a two-way between them and UDF. But Aglamesis (off Oakley Square) takes the prize in a 3-way, easy.
• JoeyWessels: @editVDO Hey! Nice meeting you yesterday. Good luck with everything.
  JoeyWessels: @editVDO Hey! Nice meeting you yesterday. Good luck with everything.
• JoeyWessels: How we forget about the little creamery that could? RT @CourtneysLaw: Aglameises. RT @foodhussy Graeters vs. UDF????? What’s your opinion?
  JoeyWessels: How we forget about the little creamery that could? RT @CourtneysLaw: Aglameises. RT @foodhussy Graeters vs. UDF????? What’s your opinion?
• JoeyWessels: Christian at the Red Windmill…? #fb
  JoeyWessels: Christian at the Red Windmill…? #fb

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What I said on Twitter today, November 18, 2009

• JoeyWessels: Like when people on Twitter type things like "playing guitar" or "cleaning the house" or "making chili." We all know you are on Twitter. #fb
  JoeyWessels: Like when people on Twitter type things like “playing guitar” or “cleaning the house” or “making chili.” We all know you are on Twitter. #fb
• JoeyWessels: @BrentBillock OK. Let me search the Internet for them…
  JoeyWessels: @BrentBillock OK. Let me search the Internet for them…
• JoeyWessels: Frankly, not sure what @HRMargo is smoking. @danieljohnsonjr looks great in a two-piece. I, on the other hand, look like @brookeburke
  JoeyWessels: Frankly, not sure what @HRMargo is smoking. @danieljohnsonjr looks great in a two-piece. I, on the other hand, look like @brookeburke
• JoeyWessels: RT @HRMargo: So, think you know Cincy? You don’t until you’ve checked out #jellycincy Hottest tweeters in town @danieljohnsonjr @joeywessels
  JoeyWessels: RT @HRMargo: So, think you know Cincy? You don’t until you’ve checked out #jellycincy Hottest tweeters in town @danieljohnsonjr @joeywessels
• JoeyWessels: Of course, someone here had to bring up "nuclear Wessels." Like I haven’t heard that like a million times. #jellycincy #fb
  JoeyWessels: Of course, someone here had to bring up “nuclear Wessels.” Like I haven’t heard that like a million times. #jellycincy #fb
• JoeyWessels: @danieljohnsonjr I am not in denail. I’m in dee Nile. Help! #JellyCincy
  JoeyWessels: @danieljohnsonjr I am not in denail. I’m in dee Nile. Help! #JellyCincy
• JoeyWessels: Oh, guess I should say that I am at the #jellycincy Tweet-up. Prolly for about another half-hour. Maybe an hour. Maybe I will never leave.
  JoeyWessels: Oh, guess I should say that I am at the #jellycincy Tweet-up. Prolly for about another half-hour. Maybe an hour. Maybe I will never leave.

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Two reasons why I love fall in Cincinnati (more)

There are more photos I shot recently in a Flickr set.

If you would like to visit either of these places, and I would highly recommend it, here is a quick way to do it.

To get to Winton Woods. To learn more about the park itself, check out their Web site. You can also follow them on Twitter.

To get to Spring Grove Cemetery and Arboretum, click here. To learn more about the cemetery, check out their Web site.

The Wessels Family Tree

My Uncle Steve Wessels – who I alternately blame and thank for my obsession with technology – several years ago (15 or so, it appears) worked extensively to compile a comprehensive listing of the Wessels family tree, including birth dates and dates of death, for just about everyone going all the back to Germany for several generations.

It took a lot of work, is still ongoing and will forever be a gift to the whole family. Thanks, Steve. Pretty darn cool.

Side note: Steve is the original tech guy in our family. He makes his living doing it, introduced me to my first computer (an Apple Macintosh in 1984) and has since fascinated me with his wide breadth of knowledge on all sorts of sciences. Follow him on Twitter for all sorts of interesting tidbits about all sorts of things, but mostly tech and other sciences.

Group One’s construction project – and overall class winner

Group One’s construction project – and overall class winner

Originally uploaded by hjoew

This was kind of a big deal to me.

It might not exactly be the making of news, blog news or anything similar. But this was cool to me. This may seem a little uninteresting, but I am going to post it anyway. Blogs, almost exclusively and inherently, are notorious for their boring, drab content – Report This! being the dramatic exception. Not today.

I am back in school, finishing my undergraduate degree in psychology at the University of Cincinnati. The first meeting on Tuesday of an evening class, Psychology of Professional Life, included a team-building project that including building what you see in the photo. The group chose me as the project leader.

I don’t want to give what we were asked to do away totally (assuming Dr. Peteet might want to do this again in future classes), but suffice it to say that we won the class competition with this contraption. And I think I am going to like this class a lot.

[Note: I have lots of thoughts about returning to school. Lots. I hope to get an opportunity to write about that soon. Right now, though, I am busy. Super busy.]

Women’s Pro Volleyball near Kings Island

Women’s Pro Volleyball near Kings Island

Originally uploaded by hjoew

Great seats at the AVP pro volleyball tournament in Mason, Ohio across
the highway from Kings Island.

Thanks to my friend Robin Ahrens for the ticket – in some great front
row seats.

Some days are like this cookie

Some days are like this cookie

Originally uploaded by hjoew

Devouring this does create a sense of temporary relief from the
feelings felt prior to eating.

Dr. Bob Hatfield’s 12 tips for healthy intimate relationships

Intimate relationships are just plain not easy. Anyone who purports otherwise is either lying, crazy or has never been in one.

I’m not married. I’m 35. Have had my share of relationships and have had my share of disappointments – including some big ones lately.

Each new meeting with someone starts with so much promise, hope and passion, that the thoughts that things would ever turn sour  – and what to do when that happens – rarely ever enters my mind. It is true with most relationships.

A few people know that back in college – this persoanl non-linear journey of mine over many years – I spent a good part of it as a teaching assistant for the human sexuality class at the University of Cincinnati. I had just come off an intense long relationship with my first true love and was thoroughly depressed and confused about why the relationship had ended. In the fall quarter, in an unrelated action, I registered for Dr. Robert W. Hatfield’s “Human Sexuality” course. It turned out to be a mind-opening experience.

After the quarter when I was a student I was invited to be a teaching assistant, a job I gladly accepted. Dr. Bob, as his friends and students affectionately called him, became a mentor and friend. He was one of those few people I have been lucky enough to meet in my life who could take something I was thinking about and shared, sum it up and return a bit of wisdom in a neat package that gave me something to think about for the rest of the day – often longer. I continued to TA for two and a half years after that, including one whole school year as a senior TA.

Dr. Bob’s teaching style was humorous and engaging – and rarely boring. The class – the most popular human sexuality class at any college in the country- despite many rumors to the contrary, was not all about “fucking,” as Bob often referred to it, but instead spent about two weeks on the anatomy and physiology of having sex and eight other weeks talking about how to have good relationships. After all, I remember Hatfield saying, the best human sexuality came in conjunction with the best human relationships. Sex was typically a small part of a relationship if it was good; big if it wasn’t, was one of his tidbits of wisdom. Getting along with the person you had committed to be with was much more critical indicator of future relationship success than just about anything else. Including how good one was or was not in the sack. Just sayin’.

The problem is so many people don’t know – or have trouble remembering – the basic tenants of a good relationship. Many figure it out on their own. Many stay in relationships that should have reconsidered long ago. Some good, strong emotionally intelligent people often find themselves unable to figure out how to have a good relationship. Not saying I necessarily fit into any of those. I’m neither great nor horrible – but know for sure, like so many, could stand to remember and still learn a few things. I have found out lately that I have forgot some of these lessons, too, so it’s good to remind myself.

Sadly, Dr. Bob died on July 19, 2006. Kelly Connell, PhD., also a former human sexuality teaching assistant and Dr. Bob mentee, wrote a great obituary of Dr. Hatfield in the Journal of Sex Research. You can read it here.

Before he died, he had left the University of Cincinnati and was working in private practice in New Hampshire, a place he had loved and visited many times. I found out in 2007 that he died when I went back to UC to visit a former professor in the psychology department and Bob’s former secretary told me the sad news. She was surprised I did not know and seemed genuinely saddened to have to be the one to break the news to me, knowing how fond I was of him. I had not had contact with Bob for probably five years when he died. I had missed him, thought of him often, but had not taken the time to seek him out. It’s something I regret.

Of the many things Dr. Bob wrote, one of my favorites was a piece he did for the Downtowner, a now defunct Cincinnati weekly newspaper. Talking to him about it, he would downplay its completeness, saying he did a “pop” version of research. (He was not a big fan of journalists, having been slighted by a few over time. My decision to not go for a doctoral psychology degree, as he had encouraged me to do, and pursue a career in journalism was always a source of contention between us.) Nonetheless, I like what he had to say here. It has reminders in here that I know I have forgotten over time as the emotions and intensity of a relationship heats up. Surely, that’s the best time to remember them. And knowing that it was relatively hard to find online, I thought I would re-share it here in the hopes that others could benefit from it. It is great information and something I would encourage anyone in a relationship, having a hard time in a relationship or reeling from a relationship ending that wished had not gone that way should read. Enjoy.

Some Facts Psychologists Know About… HEALTHY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS: 12 TIPS

What follows are twelve useful guidelines for couples. They have been found to be of great importance to happy, intimate, passionate, and committed long-term relationships. They are derived from research on the 10-15% of couples who have been together for over five years, …and who are, to a large extent, living the “happily-ever-after” we all hope for. If you can utilize these suggestions, you will be taking an important step toward joining this elite group of loving couples. Sit down soon with your partner and this fact-sheet and give your relationship a potentially wonderful gift by patiently working to improve those things that deserve your attention. If you find these tips genuinely helpful, we suggest you save this information sheet for reference for those inevitable times when things are not going well in your relationship. The following is a list of factors that are now known to be some of the important things that separate the truly happy from the unhappy couples.

1. PRIORITIES: The happy and satisfied couples make a very clear commitment to each other to make their relationship (including their sexual relationship) good. They give their relationship the time and attention it deserves. They place quality time together at the top of their list of priorities. Other things that demand their time are sometimes canceled or delayed. Dinners are sometimes put on hold while they talk or make love. They may be late for a party or work or a visit to relatives. They are careful to arrange weekends or vacations alone… without the children, or friends, or mother-in-law. They sometimes turn down invitations and they carefully examine events or tasks called “obligations.”

2. TIMING: A good and satisfying relationship can happen only when there is time for it. The current structure of families and the American work ethic conspire to lead us into a predictable trap. Couples put off intimacy and conversation while they “get things done.” Cleaning the house, washing the car, talking to relatives on the phone, watching TV, etc. replace the loving behaviors they used to engage in at the outset of their relationship. If anything good happens, it comes late at the end of a fatiguing day, or put off until the weekend or vacation. Happy couples don’t stop making “dates” with each other and seize upon expected and unexpected times and opportunities. They make time, take time, and pay a lot of attention to each other.

3. RECOVERY: The happy couples are quite unique in that they quickly recover from arguments and hurt feelings. They have been found to use a method not often recommended by counselors and therapists of the past. They are often able to temporarily put aside relationship problems to experience something enjoyable together. They put off further arguments while they go to a concert, out to dinner, a party, or even to make love. Then, soon after having a good time together, they often use these good feelings to quickly resolve issues that unhappy couples spend a lifetime fighting about. The healthy couples try to work on important disagreements in this way ONLY when they are both at their best.

4. TOUCH: The happily satisfied couples touch each other a lot. Most of their touching is sensual and not explicitly sexual or genital. They hold hands, snuggle on the couch while they watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together, give massages, etc. Couples who go days or longer without any prolonged affectionate touch are starting from scratch when they decide to be intimate. Unlike the affectionate couples, they have a lot of work to do in order to make something interesting happen. Sex is not that much different than daily behaviors for the fulfilled couples, but it is a major shift for the less affectionate pairs.

5. ROMANCING: Content couples know the importance of surprise, tenderness, compliments, and special little gifts. (Big, expensive gifts don’t predict happiness in relationships, but regular little ones do.) They continue “until death do we part” to behave in a romantic, sexy, and seductive manner toward each other. Touches, unexpected phone calls to each other, candle-lit dinners, naked weekends together, extravagant compliments, flowers and little “thingy” gifts from the drug store, etc. are common events. The gifts and phone calls are especially important since they communicate clearly what words cannot …that, “I am often thinking of you when we aren’t together.” These couples avoid the deadly danger of taking each other for granted. If they have gone too long being busy with other things, they apologize and do something about it.

6. ANTICIPATION: A major feature of actually feeling “in love” is that wonderful sense of anticipation when thinking warmly about our partner. One day a busy executive received an envelope from a messenger. Inside was a note from his wife to whom he’d been married for 19 years. It said, “Wanted… handsome man for a grand night of passion! See you at 7:00 PM!” Also inside the envelope was a room key to a nice local hotel. The man said he got very little work done that day! Happy couples plan ahead and make invitations to their lover. They know the importance of keeping passion alive. They regularly create anticipation by, for instance, phoning their partner at work and making a “hot date” for that evening. They describe their passion and may even offer a “menu” for the anticipated loving event. Contrast this to the typical couple, where the only anticipation comes after he or she says, “Wanna do it?” This category requires regular thought and creativity, but the outcome will usually be more than worth the relatively small amount of effort.

7. PLAYFULNESS: Happy couples do “work” at their relationships and take them seriously,… but not somberly. They play at making their partnership fun and healthy. They understand the extremely high value of humor and laughter. What other couples react to as tragedies, these couples are sometimes able find humor in. When bed slats break, the telephone rings, it rains on your picnic, etc., these couples respond with “Wasn’t it funny”, not with hysterics, anger and anxiety. They just do the best they can and understand that they are merely human. They take loving and fun-filled care of “the child within” themselves and their partner.

8. COMMUNICATION: All studies show a direct association between the quality of a couple’s communication skills and the quality of their relationship. The latest research studies tell us that NON-verbal communication may be even more important than strictly verbal communication to intimate relationships.  These couples certainly don’t always sit around talking about their relationship, but there is an open agreement between them that when something needs to be said, it will. And, they don’t just talk about the problems in their relationship. They spend even more time talking about the things they love about their partner and partnership.

9. SHARING: As an important part of their communication, these content couples share the big, important issues such as dreams and fears. They often tell each other the stories of their lives, sharing their understanding of how their past influences the present. Sometimes the more courageous even share their fantasies with each other.

10. PARENTING: Every study on the topic has clearly shown that there is a reduction in several important areas of marital satisfaction from the birth of the first child until the last child leaves home. Ironically, children are an ever-present danger to the health of your relationship. This is more true today than ever before due to the high number of single parents and blended families, which add other potential problems to an already present difficulty. The happiest couples maintain a commitment that their children are not going to have a large negative impact on their love and romance. They do all they can to ensure that their partner doesn’t often feel second to the children (or anything or anyone else). These parents make sure that their children respect their privacy, which happens best when the parent also has respect for the child’s privacy. It is almost easy for some of these parents to minimize the negative impact of children on the relationship, because the children are comfortably aware that they are loved, and that mom and dad (or parent and partner) are very much in love with each other. With very rare exception, it is extremely helpful to the child’s development to observe regular genuine affection between parents (or parent and partner).

11. EQUALITY: Modern studies have universally demonstrated that the only healthy long-term relationships are between people who feel and are equal. Couples who are attempting to have a 1950’s type of relationship in which the man makes most of the big decisions and the woman gets to pick the color of the kitchen towels, are not working in the long term. Regardless of one’s opinion of the women’s movement, the revolution has already occurred. Those who are attempting to stop or turn back the clock are ultimately meeting with dismal failure. The extremes of relationship power imbalances in which physical and mental abuse occurs are the least successful today.

12. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Recent research tells us that couples who deal with disagreements by withdrawing, ignoring their partner’s feelings, and escalating the intensity of the arguments are heading toward a failed relationship unless healthier styles of conflict resolution are developed. It is vital that the woman send clear (mostly non-verbal) signals about her desires for distance or closeness; and, it is equally important that the man pay close attention to her signals, interpret them correctly, and respond as quickly as possible if the relationship is run smoothly.

As you look over these twelve tips for relationships, you may note that the big secret to a happy long-term relationship is no big secret at all. These things are generally common sense. But the research in this field indicates that, once again, common sense is not always so common. As mentioned at the outset, it is obvious that only 10-15% of couples are able to keep doing most of the things that seemed to come so easily when they first fell in love. For reasons that researchers don’t completely understand, this small proportion of couples pay attention to these essentials and keep doing the things which result in fulfilling relationships. These people are exceptional in no other way that we can tell. They are not smarter, richer, better looking, “sexier”, or more educated than you. This is encouraging. It says that anyone who is knowledgeable and attentive can have a happy intimate relationship.

Resources: The best psychology sites with valuable information and links to hundreds of other sites on the World Wide Web are Psych Central by Dr. John Grohol, Internet Mental Health or Dr. Hatfield’s UC Human Sexuality Site

This fact sheet is provided as a service by the University of Cincinnati Psychological Services Center and the Division of Student Affairs and Services. It was prepared by Robert W. Hatfield, Ph.D. based primarily on information from Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. © 2004 Psychological Services Center

On the Anderson Ferry

On the Anderson Ferry

Originally uploaded by hjoew

I like my friends. That’s why they are my friends. Plus I pay them.

A Class photo

A Class photo

Originally uploaded by hjoew

Social media in Montgomery

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Joe Wessels
(513) 549-NEWS (6397)